I... I get how you feel, I do. I feel like shit about some of the things I did last month. But you're holding yourself to the standards of someone who's been in a situation like that before and knows what they were doing and we just—we didn't.
[ mel chews at her bottom lip, not sure whether to say anything else. ]
I just, um. I care about you a lot and I don't like to see you so sad. I feel like it's just been getting worse since the summer and... I don't know. [ #immediateregret ]
[ she isn't wrong and it's...something to hear it acknowledged. she'd thought she'd been keeping things together throughout the summer, up until finding shauna in the woods and reconciling with her, at least on the surface. she hadn't thought anyone else would be looking.
there's quiet sniffling on jackie's end of the line, and then: ]
I just - if I was gonna stay alive there should have been a reason. Shouldn't there? [ and then her voice finally breaks. ] But it was like before. I couldn't do anything. And Nat and Shauna -
Like before like—after the crash? [ she thinks she's starting to understand. "if I was gonna stay alive there should have been a reason." this isn't about last month or what happened this summer, it's from even before that. ]
No, I mean, it shouldn't have been them. But... it shouldn't have been any of us. Not you either.
But when it was me, I - you lived. All of you. That was the one useful thing I was able to do out there. It kept you alive. And - and I stayed alive now and it was worth nothing.
[ she doesn't even know if she's told this to shauna, the dark, despairing thought that's plagued her since she'd seen what had happened to her body; that maybe she was only worth something after she'd died. part of her feels bad unloading it on mel, who'd only wanted to see if she wanted to come to a party.
but she's the one who's asking, and jackie doesn't have it in her to not answer anymore. ]
[ for a few seconds melissa is quiet, not because she doesn't know what to say but because she doesn't know how to say it. ]
It's not true, okay? We still needed you out there. We were just, like—being crazy because we were all so scared and believing in something made it less scary for a while and you were the one who challenged that. And... yeah, you kept us from starving, but... maybe starving would've been better than turning into what we did without you. [ girls who hunt each other, who put their coach on trial, who chase strangers into the woods with torches. mel lets out a shaky sigh. ]
And last month, if you'd died too, I wouldn't have known what to do. You staying alive isn't worth nothing to me.
[ in the quiet, jackie lets herself feel the entirety of what she's tried to stave off since viewing what they'd had to do to survive. the shame, the despair, the guilt of it all. she's wondered if another shot at life is what she deserves, what the point of it was if she wasn't going to learn anything from it. and it hadn't felt as if she has, especially with the games and losing natalie, then shauna. she cries softly into the phone, only pausing when she hears mel's voice at the other end.
she remains quiet for a little while, absorbing what she's just been told, especially the last part. it hasn't really occurred to her that it's something she needed to hear. she knows shauna feels it. it hasn't occurred to her that others might. maybe because she hasn't felt worthy of it. ]
I don't - I don't believe that. I was upset, but I was glad you got to live. You know?
[ maybe if jackie hadn't frozen they would have starved to death. maybe they would have lived and jackie would have ended up just as fucked up as the rest of them. maybe, maybe, maybe. all melissa knows is: this is where they are, this is what they have. it's a second chance, deserved or not. they should hold onto it. ]
I know, [ she says softly. ] You're a good person, Jackie. You deserve to live too.
[ mel almost says more—that she understands feeling like you fucked up, like you're useless (like you're nothing). that it's her fault mari is dead and she's still so guilty that it makes her sick, that she still dreams about it all the time. but those aren't things she wants to burden jackie with when she's already feeling so low. they'll just pile on and overwhelm her.
she sits in silence for a minute, listening to jackie's wet breaths through the phone. ]
[ she hasn't really realized how much she needed to hear that. travis had told her she didn't deserve what had happened and that had been easier to accept before she knew the whole of it, that she'd managed to keep them alive through the winter by feeding them. maybe she didn't deserve to be left out in the cold or how shauna had thrown everything at her, but after learning, she wasn't sure she deserved to live, either.
it means the world to her to hear that she does. ]
Yes. [ it's small and she's still crying a little, but - it's there. and it sounds a little less broken. ] I - I'd really like that.
[ melissa starts in the direction of their room, but she doesn't hang up the phone. maybe it's weird to just breathe and listen to another person breathing for two full minutes, but it doesn't feel weird, it just feels like being close to jackie. she only hits end once she opens the door and comes face to face with her. ]
Hey. [ she crosses the room and wraps jackie in a tight hug, the way jackie did for her back in july. and just like then, she won't let go until jackie does. ]
[ in the time between when mel comes to find her and reaches their door, jackie tries to calm herself down, or at least stop crying. she's debating if she has enough time to wash her face, but as it turns out, she doesn't, and she greets mel with a weak smile and watery eyes. ]
Hi. [ and then she's wrapped up in mel's arms, as tight as she can be held, and it makes her feel whole and real. a fresh wave of tears start falling but they feel more cathartic than crying has for a long time, like she's rounding a corner or something. not necessarily better, but closer to it. ]
Thank you. [ it's small and soft against mel's shoulder, and it's a long while before she lets go. ]
[ melissa holds her, rubbing her back, for as long as jackie needs. honestly, after everything last month, she needs the hug just as much. after they break it, mel reaches over and brushes some hair out of jackie's face. ]
I'm really glad we're friends. I'm sorry it didn't happen earlier. [ but the thing is, whoever she was before the crash feels like a totally different person. and after it, they just didn't have enough time. ]
I know some people hate this place, but... we get a second chance here. You know, to do things better. That's what I wanna do with Shauna. And, um, with you, too.
I'm sorry, too. [ she wishes she'd gotten to do that with all of the girls, and throughout the years. she'd been popular, yes, but her world had really centered around shauna when it came down to real friends. maybe that's why what shauna had done had felt like such a betrayal.
but she doesn't want to think about that. like mel said, they have a second chance here. maybe more than that, since they bring people back.
her eyes are still wet, but when jackie smiles back, it's a little more real than any of her smiles have felt in a very long time. ]
I'd like that. I'd like that a lot. [ she sniffles, wiping at her cheeks. ] You're - you're really special, Mel.
[ mel's cheeks flush and she looks down at her feet for a brief couple seconds. ] No, I'm just—me. [ but when she looks back up at jackie, she's smiling. ]
But if you're feeling upset about something, you can tell me. And even if I can't fix it, I can at least listen. [ she can't change the way things happened in the wilderness for jackie, as much as she wishes she could. all she can do is hope that natalie is right and that when they do have to leave here for good, there's a way they can take her with them. ]
And um, look, this isn't my place but I know someone who's in your same situation? Maybe talking to someone else who knows what it feels like would help?
[ jackie manages a smile too, glad she was able to make that happen for mel, who's been trying so hard to make her feel included and happy, the way she used to try to do for others. she'd done that with shauna, too, before and after they'd gotten here, based on what she's heard (that was one thing that they'd told her about pretty freely). it's nothing short of a miracle if someone can feel happy again so soon after what jackie knows shauna's lived through, and she's done that.
she's seen how mel always tries to be kind and friendly to others, foraged real friendships and not just surface-level ones. it's something jackie feels like she's lacked, when it came down to it. ]
You are. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. [ jackie sniffs, wiping at her cheeks again before pushing back her hair. she hesitates a little when mel brings up the idea of talking to someone else, someone kind of like her.
she thinks she knows who she's talking about - harry had helped her check out the others and look after them when they'd fallen asleep before mel got here. he'd determined that she was dead, too. she hadn't really talked to him about it since. ]
Doctor Goodsir, right? Do you think he would want to?
Yeah, I really think he would. [ And while their situations aren't the same, Harry's the only person she knows who's been through something kind of like they have, so that's even more of a reason.
Melissa would like to help Jackie more herself, but she knows there's a limit to her understanding. As much as they started off on the same path, were thrown into the same horrible situation, she has no idea how it must feel to know that you died. And to be faced with the same people who, intentionally or not, let you die. It's not her place to try and make Jackie explain that to her. ]
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I mean, maybe they should. It’s not like I stopped or helped anything.
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[ mel chews at her bottom lip, not sure whether to say anything else. ]
I just, um. I care about you a lot and I don't like to see you so sad. I feel like it's just been getting worse since the summer and... I don't know. [ #immediateregret ]
cw: passive suicide ideation
there's quiet sniffling on jackie's end of the line, and then: ]
I just - if I was gonna stay alive there should have been a reason. Shouldn't there? [ and then her voice finally breaks. ] But it was like before. I couldn't do anything. And Nat and Shauna -
[ she cries a little, sobbing quietly. ]
- It shouldn't have been them.
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No, I mean, it shouldn't have been them. But... it shouldn't have been any of us. Not you either.
more of the same cws
[ she doesn't even know if she's told this to shauna, the dark, despairing thought that's plagued her since she'd seen what had happened to her body; that maybe she was only worth something after she'd died. part of her feels bad unloading it on mel, who'd only wanted to see if she wanted to come to a party.
but she's the one who's asking, and jackie doesn't have it in her to not answer anymore. ]
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It's not true, okay? We still needed you out there. We were just, like—being crazy because we were all so scared and believing in something made it less scary for a while and you were the one who challenged that. And... yeah, you kept us from starving, but... maybe starving would've been better than turning into what we did without you. [ girls who hunt each other, who put their coach on trial, who chase strangers into the woods with torches. mel lets out a shaky sigh. ]
And last month, if you'd died too, I wouldn't have known what to do. You staying alive isn't worth nothing to me.
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she remains quiet for a little while, absorbing what she's just been told, especially the last part. it hasn't really occurred to her that it's something she needed to hear. she knows shauna feels it. it hasn't occurred to her that others might. maybe because she hasn't felt worthy of it. ]
I don't - I don't believe that. I was upset, but I was glad you got to live. You know?
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I know, [ she says softly. ] You're a good person, Jackie. You deserve to live too.
[ mel almost says more—that she understands feeling like you fucked up, like you're useless (like you're nothing). that it's her fault mari is dead and she's still so guilty that it makes her sick, that she still dreams about it all the time. but those aren't things she wants to burden jackie with when she's already feeling so low. they'll just pile on and overwhelm her.
she sits in silence for a minute, listening to jackie's wet breaths through the phone. ]
Can I... come hug you?
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it means the world to her to hear that she does. ]
Yes. [ it's small and she's still crying a little, but - it's there. and it sounds a little less broken. ] I - I'd really like that.
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[ melissa starts in the direction of their room, but she doesn't hang up the phone. maybe it's weird to just breathe and listen to another person breathing for two full minutes, but it doesn't feel weird, it just feels like being close to jackie. she only hits end once she opens the door and comes face to face with her. ]
Hey. [ she crosses the room and wraps jackie in a tight hug, the way jackie did for her back in july. and just like then, she won't let go until jackie does. ]
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Hi. [ and then she's wrapped up in mel's arms, as tight as she can be held, and it makes her feel whole and real. a fresh wave of tears start falling but they feel more cathartic than crying has for a long time, like she's rounding a corner or something. not necessarily better, but closer to it. ]
Thank you. [ it's small and soft against mel's shoulder, and it's a long while before she lets go. ]
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I'm really glad we're friends. I'm sorry it didn't happen earlier. [ but the thing is, whoever she was before the crash feels like a totally different person. and after it, they just didn't have enough time. ]
I know some people hate this place, but... we get a second chance here. You know, to do things better. That's what I wanna do with Shauna. And, um, with you, too.
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but she doesn't want to think about that. like mel said, they have a second chance here. maybe more than that, since they bring people back.
her eyes are still wet, but when jackie smiles back, it's a little more real than any of her smiles have felt in a very long time. ]
I'd like that. I'd like that a lot. [ she sniffles, wiping at her cheeks. ] You're - you're really special, Mel.
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But if you're feeling upset about something, you can tell me. And even if I can't fix it, I can at least listen. [ she can't change the way things happened in the wilderness for jackie, as much as she wishes she could. all she can do is hope that natalie is right and that when they do have to leave here for good, there's a way they can take her with them. ]
And um, look, this isn't my place but I know someone who's in your same situation? Maybe talking to someone else who knows what it feels like would help?
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she's seen how mel always tries to be kind and friendly to others, foraged real friendships and not just surface-level ones. it's something jackie feels like she's lacked, when it came down to it. ]
You are. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. [ jackie sniffs, wiping at her cheeks again before pushing back her hair. she hesitates a little when mel brings up the idea of talking to someone else, someone kind of like her.
she thinks she knows who she's talking about - harry had helped her check out the others and look after them when they'd fallen asleep before mel got here. he'd determined that she was dead, too. she hadn't really talked to him about it since. ]
Doctor Goodsir, right? Do you think he would want to?
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Melissa would like to help Jackie more herself, but she knows there's a limit to her understanding. As much as they started off on the same path, were thrown into the same horrible situation, she has no idea how it must feel to know that you died. And to be faced with the same people who, intentionally or not, let you die. It's not her place to try and make Jackie explain that to her. ]
I can ask him if you want me to.